Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
