bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize