A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize