i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
