Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
