my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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