first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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