Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
