You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
