I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
