I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
