hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
