According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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