You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
