i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
