I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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