I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
