The maid of honor just puked.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
