ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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