Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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