They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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