Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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