we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
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