I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
