Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
