yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
