You kept calling me your small dog last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
