No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
