maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wish I only lived at night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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