I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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