my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
