remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
