Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
