Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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