ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
