somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
