I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
