The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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