in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
