Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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