I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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