I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
