There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize