I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
