If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
