I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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