my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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