I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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