I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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