Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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