thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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