I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize