When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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