please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
