so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
