She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
