the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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