I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize