You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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