You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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