when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
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