y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
