The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize