Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
